My Diary
In a society that profits from your self doubt liking yourself is a rebellious act.
Society:
My face needs to be prettier
My Hair needs to be longer
My skirt needs to shorter
My body needs to be hotter
My boobs need to be bigger
My waist needs to be smaller
My friends need to be uglier
My thighs need to be thinner
My skin needs to be browner
My heart needs to be stronger
My wallet needs to be fatter
My weight needs to be lower
My grades Need to be higher
My social life needs to be better
Society knows how to make you feel S***
So for this week’s post I want to take this blog in a slightly different direction.
MONDAY
So today I am back at University. Wooop Wooop (sarcastic tone) Anyway due to my weight I am not allowed to drive long distance! So Olly very kindly is driving me up.
So 6:30 we hit the road.
We arrive and head to lecture one: Oh how I am grateful Olly came to the lecture with me, did not fill ignored today so finished the lecture feeling positive. This is a first in a while for a Monday!
(Just a side note, Now Olly tells me he understands why my lecturers frustrate me: the content and teaching is shocking!!!)
So now we have a 2 hour break before lecture two. We head to town, we have not wandered Cheltenham town together in such a long time, very much enjoyed this. (Especially as we looked in some of the upper high street shops (snob) for a potential outfit for Ascot/ well ideas)
Ok we then hear that the lecture is cancelled for this afternoon, no surprise so we head to The Curious Cafe. This place is a cute little tea room and do amazing food.
Well here i annoy myself, “What do I have, I can’t have bread or fillings as I have done no exercise”
I order 2 poached eggs with brown toast and my head is going crazy!!
It arrives i manage the eggs and a slice and half of toast, will balling my eyes out, this is so embarrassing!!!!
Anyway we then head back home!! And no surprise but dinner is an issue, they are having meatloaf, so I force myself to cook some turkey mince and have it with spinach, carrots and a salad on the side. Followed by some cheese with a spoonful of almond butter.
TUESDAY
So this morning Im off to work, I wake up and BAM!! Im hit with my mother.
“You’re not driving any more’ etc etc … this at 7: 30 is not the best time to announce this i feel. Anyway we have a lovely argument and the argument proceeds to me eventually being able to drive to work.
After, I would say I’m forced feed porridge!!! (DOING MY HEAD NO FAVOURS)
I literally cannot do this anymore, why is it a constant battle!
Anyway I’m pissed for the rest of the day! GREAT!!
However mini fist pump for my dinner I had brown rice, salmon and peas. Followed by carrot and cucumber sticks and some cheddar with Almond butter. (I need to add in here that mum bought the Protein Almond butter, she is a nightmare with food, I ask for things to be put away but no! However it’s ok for someone else to ask etc !!!
WEDNESDAY
Wednesday was fairly dull, I went to work and then got on with my essay!!
However I wanted to talk about the physical symptoms, I briefly listed these in my first post however I wanted to explain and look at some of them. Maybe it will Help!
MY CURRENT PHYSICAL SIGN
- Severe weight loss – My weight has been dropping and dropping, i’m being completely honest i am now the lowest I have ever been and not quite sure how I have got here. I see myself as putting on weight but every six weeks I have lost! Is it the time of day i get weighed, the clothes I wear maybe, things feel tighter and different scales say different things. Which is right? Which is not? If i’m honest do i actually know my real weight?
- My periods have stopped – This has been for a while now, Maybe this is a sign I have not acknowledged as much as i should have. This can lead to Osteoporosis which is something i do not want in my twenties. Maybe this is something I should take more seriously.
- I find it so hard to sleep – I have been sleeping better, however i still wake up maybe once or twice a night and the last week I have gone back to 3 to 4 times. If anyone knows of ways to stay asleep this would be appreciated.
- I get very very bad constipation and bloating – every time i eat i bloat! And then i panic and get upset, i also have very bad bowel movements which in turn keeps me bloated and then again I feel terrible inside which leads my brain to see my body
differently! (this cycle will not stop – its getting tiring)
- I am always cold!! – Most of you who know me I love heat, summer, sun and hot weather and it’s no surprise I am cold. However this cold, is cold, it’s very hard for me to stay warm outside. I use a hot water bottle most nights in the evening, mainly to de bloat but it also keeps me warm. One thing for the last two weeks is I actually have been very hot/ sweating at night, so many I am improving!
- My hair falls out so fast, it’s so much thinner – My hair is much thinner, it looks horrible, and tangles so easily. It also lacks colour and volume.
I am so moody and irritable about general things and can get very emotional over nothing – I have no passion for things at the moment. I get angry because I want to be busy and doing things but I just can’t get excited when i do! This also upsets me! Why!!
- I have high standards and am becoming a perfectionist – I have been seeing how much I strive now for the best, I want to be the best or produce the best work! I never had this level of perfection and satisfaction that comes with it. But if i’m honest I don’t want it!! It’s to stressful.
- I struggle with concentration – WOW this is hard, to get any work done is so difficult, The distractions of the Daily Mail app, snapchat, TV, Walking, moving, recipes etc etc take over!!
- I have weakness in my muscles – My strength has deteriorated, I can’t lift what I used to, and my muscles are probably very weak/ non existent at the moment!!
Anyway these are the symptoms I have at the moment and I wanted to see if they have changed, since I started this blog. Some have got worse and some have changed!!
(I hope this has not been too boring)
THURSDAY
Twitter: So today I had another one of my dissertation interviews, today with one of the top guys at TWITTER.
I’m pretty excited today, should be interesting.
Anyway we arrive and the office’s look pretty standard from the outside, however you go in:
- Firstly the lifts have no buttons inside it’s all done outside.
- Secondly the bathrooms have straighteners and hairdryers and all the beauty things you may need
- Thirdly the walk to reception makes you feel like a celeb
- The coffee machine is all on the IPAD, So cool
- All the meeting rooms are named after birds
- All the rooms come with free mini fridges and snacks
Anyway as you may have guessed I thought this was very cool!! I WANT TO WORK AT TWITTER (Just in case anyone is reading this that works there)
Anyway today has been a good day
Dinner: I cooked tonight, soba noodles, mushroom, asparagus and chicken stir fry
Followed with some bombay mix (so bad) melon with almond butter (Feeling slightly guilty after this snack)
FRIDAY
So earlier I looked at Physical Signs I wanted to look at Triggers and why I can’t seem to recover!!
Society today is full of messages that promote the ‘diet culture’, the “thin ideal” of female beauty and glamorize excessive exercise.
For me struggling with an eating disorder, recovery is proving quite hard.
I have unrealistic expectations of myself I think. I feel inadequate,
defective, and worthless in comparison my friends and family, what am I doing??? NOTHING why they are all having so much fun!! I have found with this eating disorder everything is either good or bad, a success or a failure, fat or thin, I can’t find an in between. Im worried that I see fat as bad, thin is good, thinner is better, and thinnest is best, even if i end up in hospital bed on life support!!!
Personally for me inside at the moment I feel weak, powerless, victimized, defeated, and resentful. I can’t find myself (my identity anymore, I’m not sure where it has gone but I want it back)
Quote: Advertising has done more to cause the social unrest of the 20th century than any other single factor. –Clare Boothe Luce, American author and diplomat (1903-1987)
So what is a trigger!!! I’m trying to find why and how this illness began!
I feel one option may have been me wanting to take control and fix things, the last few years my family have had a few medical problems which I have not known how to deal with and maybe me exercising was/is the way to gain control of something, it’s something I can choose to do! I have control.
Maybe I was overwhelmed at the time and the way I deal with things is very practical and I try and remain strong and make the situation less serious and now that maybe things have calmed down and are slightly less crazy, maybe that’s when everything has hit me.
SATURDAY
Today we’re off to Henley.
So we get to Henley and it’s such a nice day, we are doing the Henley to Marlow walk.
This is a good walk 8 miles one way! Anyway by the time we get to Marlow we are starving and tired, we were going for Brunch, however normally we would have stopped for a coffee, however along the thames there is no Costa or Nero (Potentially business idea?)
Anyway we head to Fego, nice cafe in Marlow.
Brunch: 2 slice poppy and rye with 2 poached eggs, spinach, mushrooms and a side of chilli.
Then ,…. We have to walk back!!! (eurgh)
Anyway half way back and the heavens open – so eventually we arrive in Henley, looking like drowned rats but excited to watch the grand national, so we go to starbucks and watch it on my phone, we came second!!!! Woop!!
We then tiredly head to the car and head back.
Dinner: A seafood platter from M&S (really good) salad (mixed lettuce, cucumber and mozzarella), half a scotch egg
Followed by some strawberries with peanut butter and some dark choc mini egg things (naughty but think i’m allowed them tonight)
SUNDAY
Sunday lie in, lovely!!
Get up and head to Marlow, for brunch again and to collect the winnings!!! £3.50
Brunch: 2 slices brown bread, 2 poached eggs, spinach, mushroom and some beans.
We then head round the shops and then head back home.
However on the way home we have to switch Olly’s car round. Anyway get home!!
Dinner: Turkey Mince, with carrots, pepper, spinach and side salad
Followed by a piece of chocolate cake and blueberries with almond butter
I had made some creme brulee, but did not have all the ingredients (let’s just say they were not edible)
Anyway Week 6, I decided to be a bit different and look at signs and symptoms and try to see what may be causing all of these for me and maybe for others.
It’s been a tough week with lots of arguments and tension and to be honest it’s getting too much, I need support at least for the next 67 weeks to finish my degree then people can argue with me and take things away etc if they think that is what i need, until then I would be grateful if they would back off!! (Please it’s only 6 weeks)
Below are a selection of common sayings i find myself saying a lot!! (With the real meaning underneath)
I”M FINE
I’m not fine, please help me
I ate already
I starved myself
Go Away
Show me you care and stay with me
I’m Okay
One day maybe
“I’m scared of food, scared of hunger, scared of exercise, scared of weight gain, scared of weight loss and scared of letting go… but i’m more afraid spending another year- another day with an eating disorder. I have to try and trust that the pain of recovery will be short term; that it’s worth experiencing the difficulties as one day I will look back with relief. I will be able to sit down outside my beautiful house surrounded with family and my children.. Or have my own fashion label, or be a sports presenter, wherever i may be, i refuse to be ill.”
Finally I made a list of what anorexia is like for different ages, this is hopefully to make me realise that I want to recover and live life to the full!!
| Age | Recovery | Relapse |
| 18-20 | Out with friends, not worrying about liquid calories or fries at 2 am | Staying at home, missing out on fun experiences with friends |
| 21-30 | Travelling (italy, India etc) letting myself see culture and enjoy the full experience | Unable to travel, staying near ‘safe foods’, unable to try new things |
| 30-40 | Falling in love, enjoying breakfast in bed, thinking of planning for the future, family etc | No date nights out, look to sick to look attractive, can’t have children |
| 40-50 | Play sports for fun, have energy and because I want to do things | No motivation or energy for the things I love |
| 50 + | Eating Cake children have made, dinner parties with friends, laughing for hours | Too afraid for dessert |
| THE END | Knowing I have fulfilled my life to the full | I stopped living years ago |
jenesaisquoiis 